2017

I had gotten married less than a month earlier and moved to a new house. And with just us in that house, that empty living room (which remained so for many months), the “I am pregnant” news, 2017 felt like a fresh start.

I paused to ask myself the question of “drive” a couple of times during the year. You know, those, “Where do you see yourself in X years? What’s that one thing you are enthused about?” questions because slowly I feel my enthusiasm about everything drain. If there was anything left of this, it was just two things. One, driving J to the hospital, listening to that tiny heartbeat with the doctor, counting days to the d day. Then work. Well work because it’s what I’ve always known. But against what I wanted, work took a different turn. I got even more disconnected and couldn’t meet the pressure. But that’s is a different post on it’s own.

We welcomed Oluwatooni (means God is worthy to have) on the 14th of September. I remember sitting there beside J in the ward, her hands in mine, telling her she can do it, then watching her being moved to the theatre, and when it was to be over, a nurse rushing out frantically, asking for the oxygen cylinder, then having this little beauty in my arms, and that moment understanding the true meaning of love.

Talking about love, in 2017, I had a deeper revelation of God’s love. I was able to unlearn many wrong teachings and my disposition became “God is good and I can completely trust his wisdom and plan”. I tried to fix my relationship with my dad but every time I thought we’ve got that one step forward, he took two back.

For the first time ever, I felt like migrating from Nigeria. It’s like everything is set to kill you in this country. Then you hear and read about the quality of life in other places and you ask yourself what you are still doing here. It’s not even about me anymore, my daughter shouldn’t grow up in this mess. In the end though, I didn’t make any move but I am not sure how long that will remain.

And here we are again. January. 2018. Feels like that fresh start all over again. But unlike 2017, this time, I think I’m ready.